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Interacting with veterans requires both understanding and sensitivity. A Pew Research Center survey of 1,853 veterans reveals that over 72% found the transition to civilian life smooth, while 27% experienced difficulties readjusting.
Meanwhile, fewer Americans have direct family ties to someone who served in the military than in past generations, making it essential for civilians to bridge the gap with empathy and respect. This blog post aims to help you avoid common conversational pitfalls and create more meaningful interactions with veterans.
“Did you kill anyone?”
This is at the very top of the list of not-so-useless questions to ask a veteran. It’s intrusive and profoundly insensitive.
Combat can be a horrific experience, and those kinds of open questions bring back horrible memories. Instead, talk about things that give light and gratitude to their services.
“What’s the worst thing you saw over there?”
Veterans often carry the weight of their experiences long after they return home. Asking about the worst things they’ve witnessed forces them to revisit traumatic events.
A better approach is to show empathy and understanding without prying into their past.
“Did you see any dead bodies?”
This question is not only intrusive but also inappropriate for veterans who might face seeing and reliving unpleasant images when asked about their experience. Be respectful to war veterans by avoiding morbid queries.
“Did any of your friends die?”
Asking about dead comrades can be a particularly painful question for those in the military. Ask about the positive aspects of their service, or be there to listen if they choose to share something on their own.
“We all owe you.”
While this statement expresses gratitude, it can sometimes feel patronizing. Veterans don’t serve to be put on a pedestal; they serve out of a sense of duty.
A simple “Thank you for your service” suffices.
“You must have gone through so much.”
This assumption can come across as pitying. Every veteran’s experience is unique, and not all have traumatic stories. It’s better to ask open-ended questions that allow them to share what they feel comfortable discussing.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
Unless you’ve been in the military, you likely don’t know exactly how a veteran feels. This statement can come off as dismissive. Instead, show empathy by saying, “I can’t imagine what you’ve been through, but I’m here to listen.”
“You should be grateful you made it home alive.”
Not only is this statement callous, but it is hugely disrespectful of the mixed feelings that service might engender in veterans. Survivors’ guilt is real.
It should not be presumed. Feelings that emerge from service can be complex and unpredictable.
“Are you glad to be home?”
Many veterans find reintegrating into civilian life challenging. Asking if they’re glad to be home oversimplifies their experience. A better question might be, “How has the transition been for you?”
“Do you support the President?”
Political questions can be divisive and uncomfortable. Veterans come from diverse backgrounds and hold a range of political views. It’s best to avoid political topics unless the veteran brings them up.
“What are your thoughts on involvement in Iraq/Afghanistan?”
Foreign policy is fraught, and asking veterans to weigh in on military incursions could put them in a tough spot. Instead, stick to their experiences as veterans and skip the geopolitical debates.
“What do you think of Obama/Bush?”
Bringing up specific political figures can polarize the conversation. Veterans may have varied opinions based on their experiences. Avoiding direct political questions helps maintain a respectful dialogue.
“I understand what you went through. One time I…”
Comparing your experiences to those of a veteran can come off as trivializing their service. Military experiences are unique and often intense. Show respect by listening rather than comparing.
“Happy Memorial Day!”
Memorial Day is a solemn occasion to remember fallen soldiers, not a celebratory event. Saying “Happy Memorial Day” can seem disrespectful.
Instead, acknowledge the day’s significance with a simple, “Thinking of all those who sacrificed today.”
“Did you see the news about [war-related event]?”
Veterans don’t need reminders of conflict through current events. They may still be processing their experiences. Focus on positive topics or allow them to guide the conversation.
“How are you adjusting to civilian life?”
Changing from military to civilian life is such a personal event. Asking this type of direct question puts veterans on the spot.
Questions such as: ‘Is there something I can do for you?’ can be much better.
“Was it hard to leave your loved ones for so long?”
Military service often involves long separations from family. Asking about this can evoke sadness and longing. A more supportive question might be, “How do you stay connected with your family during deployments?”
“Do you have PTSD?”
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a deeply personal and often stigmatized condition. Asking a veteran directly about PTSD can make them uncomfortable and defensive. The National Center for PTSD reports that PTSD is somewhat more prevalent among Veterans compared to civilians.
At some stage in their lives, 7 out of every 100 Veterans (or 7%) will experience PTSD. If a veteran wants to share their mental health struggles, they will do so on their terms.
“How are you doing?” (when not prepared to listen)
This question is often asked out of habit rather than genuine concern. If you ask a veteran how they’re doing, be prepared to listen and support whatever they share.
Active listening shows that you truly care.
Disclaimer – This list is solely the author’s opinion based on research and publicly available information.
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